I’m not crying, I’m just sweating my emotions…

In conversation with a good friend last week, we got onto the topic of emotions. In the moment, I got rather excited about having the opportunity to explain some of the gems I have learned about emotions since becoming a coach. After the conversation, I was then reflecting on how powerful that learning has been for me, both personally and professionally, and how I’ve changed my relationship (for the better) with my own emotions. So, here we are…

Even eggs get emotional

I used to think emotions were a bit of a nuisance at times. Some good, some bad, some ill-timed. Often something to ‘fix’ or just ‘make go away’. But what if emotions weren’t considered obstacles, but a signal, a friend, an opportunity?  

Emotions are, in essence, internal cues that tell us something important is happening. Whether it’s frustration, anger, happiness, or fear, each emotion offers insight into our values, needs and beliefs.

Emotions are just that; emotions. We all experience them and they’re part and parcel of the human experience. But we are not our emotions. Have you ever caught yourself saying “I am angry” or “I am frustrated”? I used to be guilty of this, and still catch myself from time to time using this phrasing, but a subtle change can be helpful. How about saying “I am feeling angry”, “I am feeling frustrated”. I find it creates distance between me and the emotion and a bit of breathing space, both to allow me to self-regulate and to start to explore what’s going on for me in that moment, rather than getting lost in the emotion and overwhelmed (admittedly, I spent a fair bit of my childhood like this).

And a great question to start that exploration: How come I am experiencing this emotion? For example, do you have unmet needs, or is a personal value not being honoured? Ask yourself this question next time you find yourself getting drawn into a strong emotional reaction.

But the biggest learning for me was doing away with the notion that there are good and bad emotions. Emotions are neither good nor bad – they just are! We get socialised that some emotions are acceptable and some are not. The bad ones we usually want to make go away or sweep under the rug. This approach hinders learning and the ability to connect with or listen to our emotions. Instead, my coach training has taught me that emotions aren’t for judging - they are signals, a friend and an opportunity for personal learning and growth.

Understanding my (old) beliefs about emotions has raised my self-awareness and allowed me to positively change my relationship with emotions and how I interact with mine and others emotions for the positive.  Never again, will I say to someone that’s crying “please don’t cry” . We do this with the best of intentions, I realise… but it’s essentially talking someone out of their emotion and certainly misses the opportunity for learning. Instead, simply accept the emotion as a valid experience.

So, I ask you: What beliefs do you hold about emotions?

I hope there’s some learning in here for you, and I’d love to hear your thoughts and reflections from the questions posed.

Thanks for reading - it means a lot.

Shona